Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
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How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
When you kidnap a writer.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
welcome back
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Just a phase…
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.