#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
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Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
lol
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.