If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
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Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”