I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
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I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.