Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
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Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.