Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
You Might Also Like
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.