Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
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confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house