When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
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[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
My work here is done
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches