Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
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ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
😂🤣😂🤣
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house