[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
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I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Unexpected Judgment
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson