It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
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*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds