In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
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ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Eggs benadryl my favourite
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I only treason on days ending in y
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit