Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
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In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures