Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
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I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Is your wife single?