*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
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listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
My inexpensive home security system…
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son