Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
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They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.