Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
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Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!