Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
You Might Also Like
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead