Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
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People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Received some very disappointing news today
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this