It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
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Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars