“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
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My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
No. He’s not coming out to play
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Just a bush.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.