Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
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pep talk
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Tuesday
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake