BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
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He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
My five year plan is a meteorite
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides