[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
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Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Hell yeah 👍
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore