I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
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Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
this has done me in for some reason
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Friday night party time 🥳
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
This is me 🤣🤣
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.