My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
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I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
This hospital has everything
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried