If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
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PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
#DesignFail
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink