Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
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Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
☠️☠️☠️
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.