Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
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Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad