I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
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Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
New comic up. “Ransom”
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this