Me driving through Toronto
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Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.