Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
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[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Check your privilege
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Bootstraps
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Ironic
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.