I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
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If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married