Sharon I have some bad news
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30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.