It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
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I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out