Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
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*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.