The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
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Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?