A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
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Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”