[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
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I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.