All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
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nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
😂💯
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?