One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
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Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
These work great until they don’t.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.