Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
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Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I am having an out of money experience.
Has there ever been a more American story?
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Let鈥檚 talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Home improvement
but it鈥檚 just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor鈥檚 wind chimes with tampons.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
This will never not be funny 馃槶
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that鈥檚 too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me