Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
You Might Also Like
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion