BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
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bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.