I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
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Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk