Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
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Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
*mops up wine with cat*
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.