Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
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I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I’m not alone. I have ants.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin: