<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
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REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer