Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
You Might Also Like
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.