How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
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why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes